Curiousity and my fat

If you travelled 10 years back in time and told me that in a decade’s time I’d end up living in London, marrying a foreigner, be a full time mother, work weekends as a sales assistant, have an unfinished teaching practice on hold, who spends her free time and money on gigs, music festivals and scrimping pennies to pay bills and debts- I would think you’ve got the wrong Fatima Madrigal yet I would also think that you predicted my future right.

I didn’t want to get married. I didn’t even think that I liked Men  much at the time. I was in a cross-road of indecisions and ideologies. I was highly ambitious, unsure and my goal in life was to still get to know myself- to befriend me.

Ten years ago, I spent my waking hours doing extracurricular activities in University, I sometimes studied for my exams but I mostly just crammed and half-heartedly went to my classes. I lived everyday as if it were my last. I went out most nights, drank gallons of gin and brandy –waking up the next day hang-over free but sense something is missing in my life.  I was very independent - I wanted to learn about things that were not taught in the four walls of the classrooms I spent almost everyday at debating with myself- wondering what I truly believed in. If I was a Marxist, a Brahma kumaris,  a tree hugger or something else

The Fatima that existed 10 years ago was less indecisive, more insecure, more courageous yet more afraid to take risks; I was more inhibited yet more aware of who I was and where I wanted to be. I was also more naïve ( although I think I shall always be more naïve than other people)
I wanted to travel the world, I wanted to fight for social injustices, I wanted to be a warrior, I wanted to be free. I wanted to be a nice person.

Fast forward to now, and I think I have evolved yet I have stayed the same. I am still ambitious, I work harder and I play harder,  I try and live everyday as if it were my last although there are days where I struggle to do so, I still want to learn things that are outside of the box, I still trust humanity and believe in the good in people yet I am still getting to know me- I think I will spend my lifetime trying to figure out what makes me tick and I still just want to be a nice person.

But I no longer cram now, I am more prepared, more organised and more responsible of my actions and thoughts, I am also more self aware and more confident in knowing what I like and do not like in life. I’ve accepted the fact that not everyone will and does like me and I shouldn’t waste my time worrying and wondering what I can change about myself for everyone to like and accept me.

I have learned to finally like me and accept the way that I look and the way that I just am- I now try to lose weight and get fit because I want to feel physically better and be more healthy, not because society tells me that I will be prettier and people will like me more if I lose the flab in my belly. I have learned to let go of things that are not meant to be and focus my time on things that matter most.. or with people who matter most.

Now this then leads me to an open ended conclusion, that maybe- everyone will always be who they were- except experiences might alter the way they think and feel about certain issues and about themselves or others-but their core self.. the person who makes them- them shall always be there existing inside of them whether they are aware of it or not or whether they like it or not.

Right now, there are moments when I feel happy to be me- and I fully accept who and what I have become- but there are times that I wish I can be something or someone else because I cannot stand myself but I think if I’m always happy to be me then my life would be boring- there would be no reason for me to continue evolving, in learning lessons, in experiencing life and its corky lessons. So with that written down, I patiently and curiously wonder what life will be like for me in ten years time.

there are places inside my head where i still get lost, unable to
find my way around and turn off the tap that plagues my waking dreams
but here i am still oblivious to the harshness of human nature yet very
much aware of it

i live my life as slowly and as fast as i
can but sometimes i get bewildered because ive learned to ask questions
and to search for other truths. truths which are more mine than yours
or theirs.

Its christmas eve  on Sunday and im missing the
Philippines, my family and my friends back home like i always do when
the festive season starts. Spending Christmas in a place you sort of
call home yet people celebrate traditions different to those you are
familiar with is eerie. i cannot stand how the sun sets at 4 pm
and the afternoon is blanketed by darkness, i despise the lack of
christmas carolers and the lack of glitter filled decorations present
in  every home..plus in my reality- the sun is supposed
to set after 6pm everyday yet behind the cons- i do  enjoy the presence
of a "father christmas" and the promise of snow and "christmas pudding".

We’ve
been scrimping every penny that we have for the past month because of
the over drafts, fees (my exam fees, over due fees) bills , dylans
christmas presents and other finanical reponsibilites but despite of
the tight budget and the inexpensive christmas decorations frumped
around the flat- i am quite happy.. well as happy as anyone can be.

2006
has whizzed by so fast- its quite ..weird, before the year ends- i
turned 27- yet i still feel like im 10 years old. I finished my exam
retakes- and i think i did well, practising self dicipline and the
control of my own will is satisifying- studying every night helped -
now I wish i get my results soon though so i can sort out my life more.
Dylans almost 3- everyday he says something new, and does something
spectacular- he’s learning to say thank you and please  without being
prompted to   and yes he still  loves his cocopops to bits.(still)

I
am also still learning to be a better parent, i  try and give Dylan  as
much attention as i can because thats what i can get him wholeheartedly
and for free.. my love and understanding- im glad the terrible twos
stage is almost finished as well.. phewoh

but sometimes, i do
feel like i should be living a different life- i go on and on about
similar things and think about a single path which might lead to
another road yet this is
the life  that i have- i have both chosen and was given it and though
im not complaining  i do  wish there was something More.. the problem
is- i dont know what the More is though..

Dylan turned 2 yesterday. My little man’s growing up so fast. I can hardly catch up with all of the things hes learning to do. (and un-do) (HYPER ACTIVE TO TEH MAX -promise)

Weve moved in to our  new flat last week. Its near where we were before but atleast now- its  a place we can call our own. We can call home.

Im going to post up pictures of the new flat soon once ive found the cable wire for the digicam. Its somewhere in the boxes we left back in west hampstead (which we will collect on Sunday)

Dylan’s adjusted already to our new routine and to the new flat. He has more space for his toys and lots of space to play in.

I saw the bright space at the dublin castle in camden town last tuesday. i drank way too much cider- so i spent the first half of wednesday with a raw tummy and a sore head.

Its half-term til this weekend then i go back to class on Tuesday. I still need to finish an essay and do my forkign rationale for my cultural project.

I bought my ticket to see the Foo fighters in June. Were definitely going to the V festival (to see radiohead mainly- and Beck ).

Next gigs lined up- are The rakes in May. TV Burp and The Mighty Boosh in March. Then camping in April with some of the glasto boarders. And reviewing for my final exams in between.

>.<

I have a massive headache. My brain is dead. My mouth is sour.and Dyla’ns teething its hurting my ear drums to the core of my ickle brain.

Dylan’s been ill lately -he almost had a convulsion cos he had a high temperature so ive been feeding him calpol..  I lack a good night’s sleep and i wanna go out but im so tired. Blake’s been sick too.He’s nwo better

We went to Cardiff last weekend so everything balances okey i reckon.Oasis was awesone- Blake enjoyed N+C thoroughly. The Coral wasnt as good as they sounded in Glastonbury. IIm off to see The Bright Space in January, Then The Zutons in February and The Rakes in May.

My Finals are in April and am proper soaked in stress juice. Life’s been a roller coaster lately. Found out Tita Alma has cancer . My Lola Mang died last Wednesday. and i miss home and my family.

I have tons of coursework to do.  Ive gained weight again.(FFS! i blame the carbs) Met great friends. And was stabbed hard in the back.

im tired. i need more lucasade tbh.

" We are the animals"- Teh Rakes

ooh a friendster blog! hmm.. it looks harmless enough

My back aches. I didnt notice how bad it was until i woke up this morning. I finally handed in my "Practical life" file  for the class last night and I am so feckingly relieved. Next on the agenda is to get that 1500 essay paper  done and then Im going to relax. well try to ..Its hard to get a proper lie in with a  12 month old hyperactive bubba running around the place

Dylan’s been eating his foot lately and gnaws on everything hes not supposed to.